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An Honorable Man

In these last few years, we have lost sight of what it is to be an honorable man. A man with simple kindness, faith, honesty, and integrity.

My husband, Jim, was such a man. I can write about him now as he has gone to be with His Lord three years ago. (He would be so embarrassed by all the accolades I will shower on him in this short blog. He was a modest man, and never “blew his own horn.”)

Jim and I were married for forty-five years. Our lives were not perfect. When Jim and I first married, I had to introduce him to a laundry hamper and the kitchen sink. After I worked all day teaching Chemistry to rambunctious high school students, then prepared a hot meal for dinner, this woman was not doing the dishes. Moreover, Jim stopped taking me out on dates after we were married. To him, dating was a only a pre-marriage necessity. Staying home watching TV was enough for him. Well, we had the “We need to talk” talk, and we started going out for dinner before a UCLA basketball game and an occasional movie in a real theater. (Oh, how I long to go back to a real theater to laugh and cry with real people around me. This pandemic isolation is getting to me.)  But I digress.

What first attracted me to Jim was his kindness. When we were in graduate school together, I had a wisdom tooth that erupted and needed to be removed. Jim cut a chemistry class to walk/carry me back to our dorm following the procedure. He then borrowed a hot plate from his lab so he could warm up soft canned food for me to eat. He also kept me supplied with cold ice packs and ice cream shakes. Seeing how well he cared for me, I knew he was a keeper.

I also admired his faith. He had been raised by his parents to put his life in God’s hands, to attend church regularly, to give one’s time and talents in doing God’s work and to tithe. I was Catholic when we married, and Jim was Lutheran. I prayed for four years for Jim to convert to Catholicism as I wanted to be able to attend the same church as a family. When I was 6 months pregnant with our first child, I changed my prayer a bit. “Please Lord, help us to resolve our religious differences.” Three months later, I heard the Lord tell me to become a member of Holy Cross Lutheran Church in St Louis.  The Lord answered my prayer. We were able to attend the same church as a family.

Jim and I both sang in the choir, bringing baby Michael to sleep in his playpen while we rehearsed in a nearby room. Jim convinced me to tithe. However, worried about the expenses of a mortgage, a new baby, and my quitting my job to stay home with our son, I convinced Jim we would tithe only on our net income. Jim also used his talents with the computer to create several slide shows with accompanying music for church events. He also managed our church’s website for many years.

At work, Jim had integrity. He worked from 8:30 to 6 PM every day. He was honest with his coworkers when giving opinions as to the success or failure of a project. If he said he could develop a new computer program, he did his best to ensure it worked perfectly. He had me test out the programs as I am notorious in hitting random keys and making programs crash. If I could not make the program crash, the program was ready to be released.

This integrity and work ethic were passed on to our two sons. Our oldest son is very bright, but in middle school was a bit careless in solving math problems, getting incorrect answers because of a careless computational error. Jim told him to think of himself as a mathematician in charge of a space shuttle. An astronaut’s life depended on his accurate calculations. Our son took this advice to heart and improved in all his studies. (He told me later, that he developed some anxiety issues believing someone’s life depended on how well he did his homework. For that I pray he forgives his dad.)

Jim was an honest man. When he told me, he had to work late or go to work on the first Saturday of every month to do backups of the computers, I knew that was where he was. I never doubted him. He relayed the importance of honesty to our sons. “If you do something wrong, there will be appropriate consequences. But if you lie about it, the consequences will be far worse.”  As far as I know, our sons were always honest about their mistakes and transgressions except in one instance. One son wanted to play football with friends in a common ground near our home. I made him promise it would only be “touch football.” Many years later, when he had his own child, he admitted to me that “touch football” often turned to “tackle football” when he and his friends competed in a close game. Thankfully, no one was injured, at least as far as I know!

Jim was also honest in reporting all his income on tax forms, even the $10 fee for Jury Duty. It cost Jim $10 to park the car for Jury Duty. I did not consider it income. But there was a space for reporting Jury Duty on the tax form that Jim needed to fill in. When our sons worked in the restaurant industry, they too reported all their tips. When they came home each night, they would write down all their tips on a spread sheet for later reporting on their taxes. When a friend had heard our boys were waiters, he said,” Oh, that’s great. They will not have to report all their tips as income and save money.” He was probably disappointed when Jim told him that was not what he had taught his sons.  

You will probably not be surprised when I tell you, “Jim liked paying his taxes.” As he filled out the forms, he thought about all the good roads we traveled on to visit his family in Texas each summer, and in winter the plowed roads that enabled us to get to work and school. He remembered how much we liked going to the library to find entertaining and educational free books to borrow. He liked knowing there was a good police and fire department a few miles away. He appreciated the exceptional free public schools where our sons received educations that prepared them to be successful in their chosen careers.

However, Jim did not like injustice or bully-like behavior. He could get quite angry when he saw injustice occur and people stood by and did nothing. At one of my son’s basketball games, my son rebounded the ball and was knocked to the ground. He was then attacked by five players as they tried to grab the ball away from him. He was kicked, punched, and stepped on. Meanwhile, the referee stood by just watching. My husband jumped up screaming, “Ref, don’t just stand there. Blow your dxxx whistle.” The Ref did blow the whistle finally, but also warned my husband, “One more word from you, and you are out of here.”  Jim sat there quietly, while I was shaking my head conversing with the dad on my left side. “Our kids look so defeated. They don’t even have their arms up to block.” The Ref hearing words from the stand, pointed at my husband, “I said, not another word from you. You’re out of here.”  I tried to explain that I was talking about our kids poor playing. “My husband hasn’t said a word.”  But my protests were unheeded as the Ref continued to scream and point “Out of Here!”  Jim left the building angry for the unjust behavior of a bullying inept referee. Our son’s team lost the game, but his friends never forgot Jim’s rallying on their behalf and being unjustly kicked out of the stands because of it.

Like his mother, Jim was generous to charities that helped the indigent and the poor. He was moved by the words Jesus spoke to his disciples, “What you do for the least of these you do for me.” Jesus did not put conditions on this command, “Help only those who are deserving.”

Yes, Jim was an honorable man. I believe the world needs more honorable men and women to teach and lead our children to be kind, decent, faithful, hard working and courageous in standing up for what is just. I know when I mail my ballot in this November election, who I will be voting for, because I want an honorable man in the White House.

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